Drive-in Massacre (1976)

“We can’t even recommend that you see this at a drive-in” Creature Features.

“if you’re in the mood for a slasher film, you could do worse than this” Video Movie Guide

The film begins with one of the sorriest title songs in the history of cinema which serves as an ominous indication of the horrors this movie is set to serve up.  The song “Kissed by Yesterday” is enough to get any audience screaming in sheer horror, but as it turns out, it is perhaps the most accomplished aspect of an otherwise dire affair.  The local Drive-in of a typical Hicksville USA is the stage for the dreadful events of this ultra-cheap, z-grade schlockfest.

In the opening scenes, randy couples make out in their cars, oblivious to a sword-wielding psycho prowling around in search of fresh victims.  A young man’s head is hacked off brutally.  Then moments later, the glistening sword penetrates his girlfriend’s suspiciously stocking-like neck amidst a flurry of homemade kitchen sink gore effects.  The laughably inept murder scene sets the tone for the 68-minute crud that follows.  The director desperately tries to conjure up some semblance of suspense by shoving some ridiculously obvious red herrings in the audience’s direction.  However, this has little effect in elevating the movie from the garbage pail it belongs to.

Everything about the movie is so utterly inept, and the acting so woefully rotten that it nearly succeeds in attaining a certain cult status.  However, its sheer lack of charm entirely disqualifies it from even that would be saving grace.  Drive-in Massacre is somebody’s abysmal amateur home movie featuring a batch of unpaid acquaintances.  The gore effects couldn’t have cost even $20, which was undoubtedly the major expense incurred during production (other than basic film stock).  The nasty bald manager of the Drive-in is made the prime suspect along with the moronic usher Jeremy, both of whom used to swallow swords in their earlier days – makes them more suspicious!?!

One of the many astoundingly cheap aspects of this tacky piece of garbage is the horrendous background music (if it can be called that) which consists largely of an annoying Casio tone-like keyboard set to a beat irritating clicking sounds like those made by a faulty electric typewriter.  The second death scene involves an impaling with the sword of what is very clearly a stuffed pillow attempting to pass off as a person’s back!  The special effects of this stinker defy description.  They are so utterly and shamelessly inept, and the film ends so abruptly that one suspects that the producers ran out of film stock and couldn’t be bothered to invest in any more (a wise decision), so the film just ended!

The best thing about this remarkably awful piece of festering cow dung is that its running time is mercifully short, clocking in at less than 70 minutes.  The 70 minutes of Drive-in Massacre are so abysmal that even a fifth of that time would still be too long to suffer.  Just to put into perspective the absolute incompetence of the filmmakers involved in creating this atrocity.  They couldn’t even spell the name of their movie correctly!  It is difficult to recall a film as utterly dismal as this one – quite possibly the worst film we have ever seen, which would normally represent the highest praise in our book.  Yet, this film is bereft of charm or quirkiness that would render it even remotely endearing.  Shocking only in that the filmmakers could have had the audacity to expect people to pay to watch this drivel, and some of us even paid money to buy the laserdisc of this monstrosity of unprecedented atrociousness.  Quite simply, beyond dreadful.