Finally, there was the prospect of a trip to Lahore, where there would be no chance of running into a battle zone. The journey to Lahore was one for some potentially stressful work. At the end of the evening, we decided to check some local Ice Cream outlets, and I was insistent that a trip to the IHOP was a must for breakfast the following morning.
First up. Iceland has been around for a while, with numerous outlets laced throughout the Punjab. Despite the obvious hint in the name, I never thought this was anything but a shop selling nuts. I wasn’t entirely wrong, but they also have a selection of ice cream. The enthusiastic fellow who dashes to the car in a colourful T20esque uniform claims is prepared by their team. Another lad was vying for our attention with his “Soft Serve” brand, which has sprung up all over to cater to the huge audience who can no longer afford to eat foreign brands or gourmet ice cream as they could before Covid and the recession put an abrupt end to that. Numerous local brands have popped up, concentrating on flowing rivers of cheese and what they call Loaded Fries lately, as a significant dent has slashed people’s ability to spend an extra buck for quality. Yet, they can feel like they have pampered themselves and got a bang for their buck. Many of these outlets are worthy of the reputations they have earned with repeat customers, while far too many rely on “More is better”, and as long as it fills the belly, the job is done.
In the last couple of years in Pakistan, we have witnessed some major brands exiting the scene. Some Major brands leaving the local scene over the previous two years indicate the economic nosedive the nation is experiencing.
Shell and Parco announced a withdrawal following several other companies who have sensed that doing business in Pakistan is a losing proposition. There is much more hardship ahead as inflation ranks the 6th worst in the World with little respite in sight. Thus the rapid spread of low-cost food based on Fried Potatoes, Cheap Beef and the bubbling lava of factory-processed melted cheese. Likewise, a candy burst characterizes the soft scoop cup or cone, be it Snickers, Oreo, Mars, Kit Kat, Ferrero Rocher, Smarties, Maltesers or whatnot. Indeed these “swirled” soft scoop ice are essentially thick globs of processed cheese blended with candy and chocolate, sprinkles, chips, biscuits, and quite often the kitchen sink. The other sell point to the public is to wow them with its thickness because the boy who brings you the ice cream makes sure you watch him turn the cups upside down to show you how impossibly thick the ice cream is! Impressive indeed.
Like the old cronk that I am (God, I MUST be SO IRRITATING), I puffed up quite needlessly, claiming that the absolute true quality of ice cream can be tasted with its Vanilla flavour with anything mixed in, no nuts, no sprinkles nothing like the garbage that is plopped on your ice cream to give it that Instagrammable “Wow Factor” feel. The first thing you feel about ice cream is its coldness and texture, followed moments later by the flavour as the Palette sends signals to the brain and how that reacts. Just about then, as the ice cream melts onto the tongue, you will feel another texture and what they call mouthfeel as you will swallow. Finally, there is the aftertaste of the mouthful instantly and as it fades, sometimes slowly, sometimes rapidly. Depending on the flavour, sometimes the taste can linger with you for surprisingly long. Ice cream, to some, is a multi-layered orgasmic delight for the senses enough to make it release natural endorphins making for a happier human being!
In the case of Ice Land Vanilla, the first impression was the sight. To a lifetime seasoned ice cream maniac visually, the ice cream registered in the following departments. It looked much more white than Vanilla ice cream normally is. Without adding any colouring that Vanilla should never normally require, it should be a shade off-white. Certainly not bright yellow, but not a bright shade of white. Normally Vanilla is a more creamy, pale yellow appearance. The Ice Land Vanilla resembled more of a “milk” ice cream, not Vanilla. As I used the spoon to make myself a substantial spoonful, I found the ice cream fairly light and airy compared to dense and creamy. Entering the mouth, the first thing noticeable is the scent. It smelled flowery to the senses and the first taste that hits you after the coolness is intense sweetness, followed by the strange aftertaste of something resembling rose water. The ice cream melts quickly on the tongue, unlike rich ice cream, which would take some time to melt slowly due to its denseness.
Rather than have Vanilla’s subtle, delectable tones, you have a flooding of the senses by sweetness and a fragrance that is a tiny bit reminiscent of Rooh Afza or Rose Water though I could be wrong. Everyone has a different palette and a different preference for whatever they eat. That is the way it is. I can only speak for myself and would only be dishonest if these brands paid me for writing about them! They are not, and so I get to speak my mind. Not with malice but with exactly what my experience was. It is obvious that Ice Land is a thriving, successful and popular brand, and its massive customer base is spread far and wide in this Land. It isn’t popular just by accident. Many people are regular and loyal customers and have been for years, but their Vanilla Ice Cream didn’t appeal to my Palette. If I continued to eat more of it, all I would end up with would be a terrible sugar rush, not something to recommend at my age, no sir. So I wasn’t tempted to have another bite. The Ice Cream was fine, just didn’t excite my palette as hoped.
Next, we moved on to Alletto, which seemed like a local version of the McFlurry but much denser and far cheaper. My first impression was about its unusual presentation. It was flat on top, covered by a film of plastic removed on eating. The appearance suggested that either it was a concoction that had been previously prepared rather than prepared upon order. Eating it was like a concoction of thick processed cream infused thoroughly with Oreo (as we had ordered the Oreo flavour). Once again, the overwhelming sensation was one of extreme sweetness and frozen creaminess, yet it completely lacked the texture of what you would associate with churned ice cream. It was simply very dense and excessively sweet. You could taste and feel the Oreos in the mix, but the question remains. What exactly did you eat? A frozen custard of processed cream and Oreos?
Does it qualify as ice cream, or is it some new frozen dessert that appears to have caught on quickly? I have my doubts as to if this item is an ice cream at all. It was frozen and sweet, but was it ice cream or some fangled frozen pudding? Not that there is anything wrong with a frozen pudding!! Bring it on.
Sadly this item, while it might be very popular with many, was something that would be quite possibly the very worst thing you could ingest as it is 100% Processed, sickly sweet, full of transfat and preservatives – An unimaginable torture to put your poor body through if you are over the age of 25. Besides all that, it was unbearably sweet and just too much like a processed cream gloop, even for a cheat day.
Would I recommend it to anyone? Perhaps I would to someone who ought to try the latest fad at the low end of frozen dessert options in Pakistan—a clever, gimmicky but heavy and deathly sweet take on the old-fashioned soft scoop. I would hesitate to call this ice cream more like a frozen cream blend. Unsurprisingly they did not offer plain Vanilla, which was probably a wise move considering the product. Once again, innovation and adaptation to dramatically changing economic situations and cost-cutting. 
I must admit being a touch embarrassed to admit that I found out that the IHOP (International House of Pancakes) brand had opened an outlet in Lahore, and it triggered some nostalgia in the old geezer in me. There were hazy memories of rolling up at one of these outlets back in the day in the US. The fact that I remember so very little does suggest that maybe it’s an illusion, and I may have watched a scene from a movie in which it appeared. I tend to associate IHOP with the 60s and 70s vibe, but I was never in the US then. Surely I couldn’t dream up the notion this was the place to end up after a night of excesses as it was cheap stomach-filling nosh and was known more than anything for its all-day breakfast menus.
One must wonder how many millions of hungover students have ended up at the IHOP over the decades. The Tik Tok video looked less than promising. Still, upon reaching the spot, it turned out to be a three levelled outlet capable of handling up to around 80 people since we were there fairly early for a follow-up meeting with a leisurely coffee over typical American Pancakes.
First impressions. It is huge and spacious. We first decided to sit by the windows, but the adage, “Never sit anywhere near the toilets”, was a timely reminder to shift elsewhere. The place appeared almost empty except for staff and some customers canoodling over their pancakes. Terribly sweet, appropriately. The idea of having a scannable menu to check on your phone was made so much more attractive by the embarrassingly tatty menus handed to us. There was an array of Pancakes to select from, and then an entire menu of steaks and full breakfasts emerged as part of the menu.
Some prices were eye-raising, considering this is hardly a brand renowned for its quality food. It has primarily earned a name for its satisfying and reasonably priced breakfasts. Though perfectly understandable, as we all have nightmares with machinery at the worst of times, they could not serve coffee the day we visited, saying their machine had malfunctioned. Perfectly understandable though quite disappointing, and yet could it have been a blessing in disguise, perhaps?
Being completely boring and unadventurous, I ordered their basic buttermilk Pancakes.
They arrived looking fine, yet I was expecting some garnishing other than little tubs of syrup they left on our table and a small blob of butter. I did not order something with some caramelized nut and perhaps whipped cream. White waiting, you looked around as one naturally does at a place you have never been. There were major issues with seepage that had scarred much of the unfortunate wall space.
Otherwise, it was presentable but not didn’t exude a particular character or then didn’t exude it well enough! It was bland, inoffensive and boring, and the obvious damage caused by plumbing or such issues again, unfortunate problems.
The stains, imperfections and visible handprints on the dishes were ominous. My companions ordered flavoured pancakes, but neither could eat more than half of our orders. Could it just be us, or maybe the pancakes were as stodgy and boring as we thought? It could well be made from prefab packets of a mix, perhaps. They were not overly offensive, yet there was nothing delicate, fragrant, or flavoursome about the experience—syrup for sweetness and slabs of stodgy pancakes to the extreme. Aunt Jemima would win this battle in her sleep with her hands tied behind her back. IHOP was a short, not-so-cute and mercifully swift experience. The nostalgic love affair with Brand IPOP shattered well and truly.
Though a few customers were trickling through, my gut instinct tells me it will be a struggle for this franchise, especially because their star product, the American Pancake, isn’t familiar to the Pakistani Palette. However, the vagaries of public taste and my deep-rooted eccentricity certainly don’t mean the junta will not embrace American Pancakes; it is very possible that they will. As for the rest of the menu, it would be very unfair to comment on any of it as we didn’t experience it. However, the pictures of the items used in the menu made much of the food look unattractive in that the photographs looked as though they hadn’t been updated since 1958, which won’t help. Pictures of steaks that appear like thick leather straps don’t have a positive on those saliva glands; quite the opposite. Tim Horton’s, a Canadian version of Starbucks from Canada, opened its first outlet in Lahore recently, and crowds waited for hours to sample the delights. Tim Horton’s is in Dubai and is popular globally. I don’t believe it got much of a presence in Europe or the United States, though, as the Americans have their own brands.
The Europeans, too, have some successful brands, some of which have made inroads into main international markets like Dubai. Among the European chains is Paul, an international franchise serving a superior product even if they don’t have the Starbucks style and ambience, which is the template for the modern coffee shop. Heartening amidst all the homogenization to find that independent coffee shops remain an option and almost always serve better coffee.
Though far from being a coffee expert, I would reckon among the best cups of coffee I have had in Pakistan, Xander’s and sometimes Espresso of Karachi serve a fine coffee, and the completely automated machine at Shams in Islamabad manages to pump out one heck of an auto-job coffee when it is not down for repair. The trusty Pod machine should never disappoint you, even if travelling with it is most impracticable. Chains like Coffee Planet, Gloria Jeans, and Starbucks are enormously popular around the globe, with Starbucks being a giant on the scene. Personally, give me a Xander’s cappuccino or one from Espresso, or if you go on a good day, Loafology on form does a fine cup of coffee too.
